Let me start off by admitting that I am an unabashed Manny Ramirez fan, as much for helping to deliver two titles to the Red Sox, as the comedy gold he's wrought over the years. So the conceit of this post that a) he still has something to offer a team on the field and b) he wouldn't be a complete knucklehead, is admittedly pretty absurd. However, I'm not quite ready to lose Manny to Taiwan, so I'm going to attempt to shoehorn the mercurial 12-time All-Star onto some rosters.
The Yanks currently have brittle former Indian Travis Hafner penciled in at DH, and with the loss of Curtis Granderson for a month, the Bronx Bombers are in need of an extra outfielder. Sure by the time Manny actually gets in shape Granderson will be back, but he'll sell way more jerseys than whoever they throw out there. Plus, he can fill in at DH when Hafner inevitably goes down after the first month of the season. Would Joe Girardi stab him after about a week on the roster? Probably, but it would certainly lead to some snappy New York Daily News headlines.
The Phillies are looking at some combo of Darin Ruf, Domonic Brown, John Mayberry Jr., and Delmon Young to patrol two outfield spots. Why not add a little Manny to the mix? He's probably in better shape than Delmon and can probably still get on base at a better clip than Brown or Mayberry. Would he be an absolute butcher in the outfield? You bet, but certainly the team responsible for signing Young can't be terribly worried about outfield defense.
The Mets need to make headlines this season and are also going into the year with an outfield that some pundits have actually considered calling the worst of all time. The solution to both problems: Manny. At the very least he'd be the first player to try to eat the giant apple in centerfield, which would be entertaining for all.
Dan Duquette's biggest free agent signing of his career came when he lured Manny over to the Red Sox. Maybe he can recapture a little of the 2000's Sox magic (sure he got fired two year after signing Manny, but whateves) by bringing Manny on over to the O's. MLB Depth Charts tells me that the Orioles currently have a Wilson Betemit/Danny Valencia platoon penciled in at DH, so yeah, Manny could definitely be useful to that roster. Plus, Manny would've made a pretty awesome Wire character.
If the Jays sign him he could become a Canadian citizen and recreate his famous American citizenship celebration. That's if he even realized he was in a different country. Plus, who wants to see Adam Lind at DH on that team anyway.
Manny lives in the Miami area and the Marlins are gonna need to sell tickets after their latest fire sale fiasco. There's no way most people in Miami realize he hasn't been good in years and Jeffery Loria is certainly not above bamboozling his fan base.
Can't be any worse than Jeff Francoeur.
Kevin Towers seems intent on having an outfield logjam at all times, so go ahead an add Manny to it. Plus, you can tell him it's Mexico and watch with glee as he trots out to the field in a sombrero.
Just kidding Terry Francona.
Please...pretty please. At least give him one of those bullshit special assistant to the GM job, I just want Manny back in my life.